Okay…I'm gonna level with you guys. I was playing Red Dead Redemption 2 (hopefully some sort of review coming soon)all weekend, so I watched like half of these games on a second screen with the sound off so I had no clue what was happening. So I am not in the best condition to give serious takes and analysis about what I saw this weekend. Instead of folding though, as a weaker man would, I'm using this opportunity to try something I have always wanted to before. This week I am going to write 1 to 2 sentence wrap ups of each team's week like I am Chris Berman and Tom Jackson, puns and all.
These guys were a ton of fun to watch on Sunday night growing up and they even made the most boring games fun because of their references and puns thrown into each highlight. This idea is also partially inspired by Darren Rovell's terrible headline puns that he puts out each week.
I still have the normal power rankings, but I figured it would be more fun to switch it up a bit, plus I can cover for the fact that I should haven't been playing this much Red Dead for 2 days straight.
32. San Francisco 49ers. Oh snap!! The 49ers' batched snap on the last play of the game to give the Cardinals their win and take away any chance they might have had as time ends!
31. Oakland Raiders. The Raiders defense was a Derek Carrdboard box this weekend as they allowed the Colts offense to run around and around and around on Sunday!
30. New York Giants. The Giants continue to play small as the Redskins climb the New York bean Stock Exchange and cash out on a win against the G-Men…
29. Buffalo Bills. Andersen drops back, looks downfield...and it's intercepted by Patterson! He could. go. all. the. way! TOUCHDOWN!!
28. Cleveland Browns. The Browns played in Pittsburgh this week and Hue Oughta Know the result already. The Browns lose their 25th road game in a row and you can smell blood in the flaming Cuyahoga River.
27. Arizona Cardinals. This week Josh is coming up Rosens as his guarantee to "win this F*&@ing game!" game to fruition and Number 11 moved to #7 on the all-time touchdowns list!!
26. Miami Dolphins. The lights were shining bright on the Dolphins Thursday night and that was all that shined for the Dolphins that night as Miami was sliced up and folded by Deshaun "Jiro Dreams of Sushi" Watson! Dolphins fall 42-23.
25. New York Jets. Sam Darnold and the Jets crash landed in the Chicago River as the Bears dominated the Jets 24-10.
24. Denver Broncos. Denver suffered from a case of "Bronco"itis as they failed to score the ball and the mile high horses was a mile behind the Chiefs all game long!!
23. Tennessee Titans.
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4!! Even Fitzmagic couldn’t save this disastrous Winston performance Sunday afternoon as the Bengals steal this win from the Bucs like they're stealing crab legs from your local super mart!
21. Dallas Cowboys.
20. Atlanta Falcons.
19. Jacksonville Jaguars. London Blake Bortles Bridges is going down as the Jaguars fall to the Eagles 24-18!
18. Indianapolis Colts. Andrew "Galileo" Luck took the Colts to the Black Hole and studied their secondary as Indy's offense took them apart and shined bright in a dark sky.
17. Detroit Lions. It was battle of Predators in the Motor City as the Seahawks had the high ground all game and maimed the Lions on both sides of the ball.
16. Seattle Seahawks. The Seahawks hit a home run on this football Sunday as the Seahawks had the best team and the best celebration of the day…And let me be the first to congratulate the Boston Red Sox on their first World Series win since 1918!
15. Philadelphia Eagles. Carson Wentz was the King of England this week as the Eagles soared over Wembley on Sunday's dawn...
14. Green Bay Packers. There was a duel out west between the Rams and the Packers this weekend and - FUMBLE! Wy Montgomery Wy?!? The Rams defend homefield against the Packers and Mr. Aaron Rodgers returns to his neighborhood a loser. Rams win it 29-27... Some Spread!
13. Chicago Bears. No Mack-tion no problem! The Bears don’t need it to be Wednesday Night to play a of football in the Heart of America! (Love me some MACtion Boom) Bears win it 24-10.
12. Cincinnati Bengals. Beng a gong and get it on! It's raining Skyline Chili in Cincinnati as the Bengals squeeze out a win 37-34!
11. Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings failed to fin their Muse and Digg down as Kirkkkkk D Cousins falls to the Saints!
10. Houston Texans. Houston we no longer have a problem! The Texans have won 5 straight as they made the Brocketship explode upon takeoff before it could leave orbit!
9. Baltimore Ravens. In the famous words of Edgard Allen Poe, the Ravens were "weak and weary…nearly napping", as they turned the ball over 3 times on the road in Carolina!
8. Washington Redskins. We go to the Capital out East where is Adrian Peterson is taking off! AND THEY'RE NOT GONNA GET HIM!! AP put the Skins on his back and carried them like a hunter carrying his prize home from the hunt.
7. Pittsburgh Steelers. There's a new King of Cleveland and his name is LeBron James Connor as he ran straight through Cleveland with 146 yards and 2 touchdowns!
6. Carolina Panthers. Cam "Hozier" Newton and The Carolina Panthers took the Ravens to church this weekend as they made the Ravens' defense fall to its knees and pray at the alter of Christian McCaffrey's two touchdowns. Panthers dominate at home 36-21…some spread!!
5. Los Angeles Chargers
4. Kansas City Chiefs. Out to Arrowhead Stadium…Hold on!! (highlight) Kareem Hunt jumped over the Broncos defense and dragged them to the Endzone as the Chiefs put an arrow through the heart of the Broncos as they win at home 30-23.
3. New Orleans Saints. The Saints went marching into the Mall of America as the Saints' offense marched past the Vikings 30-20.
2. New England Patriots. Up in Buffalo...it was the Patriots who came to town, circled the Bills, and smashed their tables. Tom "Jones" Brady once again winning in Buffalo is "Not Unusual" as the Patriots win 25-6.
1. Los Angeles Rams. Toddy "Benedict Arnold" Gurley was an betrayed America today when he fell down at the 5 yard line and missed both the over and the cover today! Gotta respect the Gamblers Boom.
Did not play this week: Titans, Cowboys, Falcons, Chargers
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