I know this is tough to hear and I say it with a heavy heart…We only have 7 weeks of Regular Season Football left. Only 7 more weeks to speculate, make fun of bad play and be awed at the incompetence of so many coaches and franchises. So, in an attempt to cope with these feelings I have, I want to hand out some awards to who I think have been the best (and worst) so far through 9 weeks of NFL football. Usually people give out awards like these after Week 8, but I believe in the idea that one should always be fashionably late to a party. For example, if someone tells me to arrive to a party at 8:00 P.M., you can rest assured that I will be there at exactly:
Let's dive into these awards then. Like the Oscars, I'm gonna lead off with a major category to keep you hooked and then have a few lesser ones and finally end on the Grand Finale (is it MVP? Hang around to find out?) Here's your host...Billy Crystal! Because in my opinion it has been far too long since he has hosted anything.
*5 minutes of witty dialogue ensue because he understands the audience and realizes it is important to not ramble on too long*
Now let's dive into these awards shall we? Like the Oscars, I'm gonna lead off with a major category to keep you hooked and then have a few lesser ones and finally end on the Grand Finale (is it MVP? Hang around to find out?)
First award presented by the Cricket Wireless Shower Thing...
Defensive Player of the Year!
The Nominees are:
Aaron Donald (with 10 sacks this season)
JJ Watt (second in sacks)
Donte Jackson (4 interceptions on the year, including a clutch one last week)
…and the winner is! Aaron Donald! He's the best defensive player on one of the NFL's best teams. Of course he won.
Number two: Presented by two children stack on top of each other in a trench coat...
Offensive Player of the Year!
the Nominees are:
Todd Gurley
Adam Thielen
Patrick Mahomes
… and your winner is - Todd Gurley! He has singlehandedly outscored the entire Bills team this year. He is on pace (by my rough math) to outscore them at seasons' end: 175-88...more than double!! You gotta reward a guy for that. Don't be too upset about Mahomes losing though. He's like an actor nominated for multiple categories. He'll be back again.
Now stick around through the break! We have some exciting awards up next...plus a performance by Bush!
And welcome back!
The next award is for Best TV Show shown during afternoon or Primetime Games on Sundays that I haven't watched yet but have me interested nonetheless. Here to present this award is Peyton Manning on behalf of Papa Johns, Nationwide, and dozens of other sponsors...
the Nominees are:
God Friended Me, CBS
Manifest, NBC
The Neighborhood, CBS
The Gifted, FOX
… and the winner is: God Friended Me. This show actually seems funny and nonconsequential. Plus I have a huge crush on Violett Beane so I am being a total shill and giving her this award.
Next up: Best Show that I actually started watching because of the Promos I saw during afternoon or Primetime games. The nominees are as follows:
Magnum P.I.
This Is Us
S.W.A.T.
9-1-1
… and the winner is - 9-1-1! This show has a phenomenal cast led by Angela Basset and I can't not watch every week. I don't know what else to say!
Alright...now on to the my favorite award! There is only one nominee for this category because it is so specific...The award for: Best Play That Didn't Work But Should Have (and if it did it would have been amazing) goes to - Jameis Winston's pass backwards to DeSean Jackson (move to 10:26 for the play)
Okay...now back to serious awards...after this next commercial break!
Welcome back to the show, and as promised, let's welcome Bush to the stage!
On to a serious award.
Comeback Player of the Year - Dalvin Cook! He is fully back after last week and he gets the award.
Next award:
Coach of the Year. Presented by Adam Schefter. He's here to remind you to check Twitter the Monday after the Regular Season ends to make sure your favorite coach wasn't fired!
There are two nominees for this category:
Bill Belichick
Sean McVay
… and the award goes to - Bill Belichick! Tom Brady has decided to accept the award on his behalf tonight.
After this next break... Another award!
We only have a few more awards including MVP so be sure to stick around until the very end tonight!
The next award is: Assistant Coach of the Year.
and the award goes to...anyone but Todd Haley. Literally anyone...Pick a single coach and they earned it over him. Thank you
Next award:
The Most fun player to watch this year! This award is presented by Chris Collinsworth. All of these guys are worthy of the award.
The nominees are as follows:
Saquon Barkley
Patrick Mahomes
Kareem Hunt
Deandre Hopkins
… and the winner is - Patrick Mahomes! Come on, this isn't even that close. He threw a pass with his left hand!
Another good award - Team that when Redzone cuts to their game it's most likely becayse something horrible has happened. The nominees are:
Browns
Bucs
The winner... Buccaneers! No one is here to accept the award on their behalf.
And now the most important award - MVP (wait what? A serious award?)
The nominees are:
Tom Brady
Patrick Mahomes
James Connor (to spite LeVeon Bell)
Cam Newton
Drew Brees
Adam Theilen
Todd Gurley
and the winner is - Patrick Mahomes! He is putting up historic numbers and his team is the most exciting team in football. I'd be crazy to consider anyone else.
Thank you for a wonderful night and everyone get home safely!
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